Attack of the Gigantic Insect

Sharp-eyed Google Earth monitors have this morning alerted Vulture Central to the threat posed to humanity by a giant earwig which is as we speak rampaging its way across the German countryside.

The Register's guide on how to deal with the situation:

Don't panic.
Hide under the stairs.
Keep a flamethrower close to hand, if you have one.
Keep a nuke-bearing stealth aircraft fuelled and armed, if you have one.
Do not attempt to advance single-handedly upon the insect army quoting passages from the bible. The Godless Communist hoards will simply dissolve you with their death ray.
Do not come out until you are told it is safe to do so, or your bratwurst supplies are exhausted, whichever comes sooner.